10 Bollywood movies of 2013 we wish never came out

Well, its' time. We are winding up the year and various applications such as Youtube, IMDB and so on have already started publishing  their respective reviews on the trends of pop culture that were witnessed in 2013.
India too has a well flourished entertainment business extending across global platforms and it is worth while to hark back and take a peek into how the year was for the Indian entertainment especially Bollywood.

I actually started with the idea of listing out the the good and fairly decent movies which came out during 2013. I wasn't surprised to realize that there were only a handful of them . Allowing this depressing fact to sink in, I began thinking of the movies on which I wasted my money and time for no reason. Jesus Christ!! A stream of names kept popping up quickly and steadily.This called for a change in the topic . So here is the list of  " 10 Bollywood Movies of 2013 which we wished never came out " .

Disclaimer:  The list is actually in chronological order of the movie release as there is no point in deciding the worst among the garbage since all are equally bad.

RACE-2:

Yes! Bollywood actually opened the year with this frustrating head ache. The movie had a promising star cast of Saif Ali Khan, Deepika Padukone  John Abraham, Anil Kapoor and few songs by Pritam which were topping the charts before its release. But still, the whole movie was one huge load of dragon dung. The directors Abbas and Mustan were so fond of twists that they planted the movie with a twist for every 15 minutes.

Well that was actually quite simple. Three characters say A ,B and C were introduced . The creators just played with C's loyalty towards A and B in the name of twists throughout the movie. Adding to the misery of viewers, there were a few scenes which showcased some ground breaking deviations from Newtonian physics like "parachuting an AUDI from a burning plane".


2. HIMMATWALA - There wasn't even enough content in the movie to criticize it. The director proudly remarked that the movie was  to be the biggest blockbuster of the year  during the promotions. He should have learnt his lessons as the movie was forced out of the screens within days of its release.

Yeah! A tiger fights the gundas along with the hero in the movie! Phew!!

3. CHASHME BADDOOR : A remake of the old classic by the same name suffered an embarrassing fate. Apparently,this movie was released along with the digitalized version of the classic chashme badoor(1981). And people opted to catch the old one instead of the modern version which was forcefully stuffed with lame and dumb jokes throughout !

4. RAMAIYA VATSAVAIYA : A movie which is to be skipped even from your DVD lists. This debacle by Prabhu deva had all characteristics that should not be present in a good movie. Shruti Hassan promised to be the only consoling factor in the movie which appeared to be barely watchable. I meant... Shruti Hassan. No, the movie.

 5.ONCE UPON A TIME IN MUMBAAI DOBARA : 

The movie's tagline went as "This time it's personal !" indicating producer Ekta Kapoor's clash with Sharukh Khan and his Chennai Express. It was a personal blow to the producer too with the movie failing miserably at the box office when its contender(Chennai Express)went on to become the highest grossing movie in India.

The movie had no significant content except for pages of incoherent punch dialogues delivered by Akshay Kumar for the sake of being an Underworld Don. Sonakshi Sinha's reactions throughout the movie only made it worse.

6. ZANJEER:  A ridiculously insane attempt disrespecting the original 1973 Amitabh Bachchan classic is what one would say about the movie. A naive,mindless movie where the protagonist's expressions keeps you frustrated all the time. Priyanka Chopra was a marketing element in the movie who could not help stopping the movie from disappearing among the theatre circuits within a week. Not to forget Sanjay Dutt, the most expensive joke in the movie.

7. BESHARAM : Ranbir Kapoor should have been indeed shameless to have chosen this virtually empty and  inane script after being successful with two back to back feel-good movies. Few minutes into the movie and you would have realized that it was not the screenplay that needed to move forward but it was you who should have moved on.

8.BOSS :  Looks like Akshay Kumar would never refrain from giving at least two bad movies in a year. So came the second, within two months of his first fiasco justifying the jinx.I have already squandered enough of my precious time on this movie that I would not prefer wasting  any more of it writing about this junk.

9.KRRISH 3 : The whole movie would have received a very warm welcome had they marketed it as an "Indian Spoof of a Super Hero Movie". Sadly they didn't and the whole movie actually seemed to be a joke.

However the joke was on us for the movie had grossed more than 250 Crores. 

10. R... RAJKUMAR : Prabhu deva returned again within few months of his early disaster only to avenge  the innocent viewers who didn't welcome his earlier venture. Rajkumar was in no way a good movie. Everything about the movie was crass and lecherous. The mindless action sequences makes you go numb. So does the idiosyncratic one liners which are not even slightly funny. In the climax sequence, Shahid Kapoor is stabbed  repeatedly by some uncountable number of stout men after which Shahid manages to survive but we don't. 

In an attempt to end the article on a positive note ..here are a handful of movies that were genuinely good and interesting to watch in 2013. 

                          

         

Do you know what they call a Quarter Pounder with cheese in France?

http://nationalreport.net/louisiana-man-stops-robbery-quoting-pulp-fiction/

A nice read. Imagine someone actually saving people by quoting Pulp Fiction lines in a restaurant.

Mummy Returns

Disclaimer : This article has nothing to do with election campaigns. I'm not even a distant relative of any party member. I live in Besant Nagar which is far away from Poes Garden. And I drink only Red Label tea, which is not related to Sunrise coffee. (Mandatory pj)

...and the 'Amma' returns (She made her debut here : http://filteredfools.blogspot.in/2013/06/computers-and-ammas.html) with yet another excellent display of her expertise in technology.

A problem which persists with families, relatives, animals, insects who have greater than or equal to one family member, relative, fellow fauna living abroad (faarin) is that people begin to think that goods abroad are always cheaper. So, if you live in India and your cousin in the U.S.A. and he reveals any plans of returning to India in the next five years, he is almost dead. Give him the shopping list! How dare he returns to India...

But this is the case even if the relative is living in any other part of the world. Uncle is a scientist in Antarctica. Ask him to get a laptop, iPod and a few penguins maybe. They should be cheap in those parts.


In a similar context, brother is returning from London this February. I didn't want anything from there. Neither did Mr. Father. But, being technologically advanced, Amma wanted something. After being bent on a kitchen knife for a long time, she changed her mind to something exciting.

iPad - Camera

Amma : I don't care if you people don't want anything. I want something. I want iPad.
Me : Eh?
Amma : Apple... iPad.
Me : Oh. iPad. Why do you want one?
Amma : Everyone has it!
Me : Right. What does it do?
Amma : It takes photos. And if you take a photo using an iPad, it is bigger than normal photos which you take in your camera. The screen is also very big. Much better.
Me : <blank>
Amma : Don't you read the papers? It is a big slate with which you can take photos.
Me : So, it is a camera?
Amma : Yes, that's the word I was searching for. I want an iPad.
Me : How much do you think it might cost?
Amma : 10,000 rupees or something? Yes. 8000-10000 is a good estimate. Cameras are nearly that rate.
Me : Right ho!
---

At this rate, an iPad will soon be flipped over and used as a chopping board in kitchens. Who knows!

The Life of Bloody Mary

I should warn you nothing has been exaggerated in this article and neither am I being sexist. These are all true incidents and none of these idiocies are to be imitated. 

There is a reason why girls are so good at putting off guys, and also a reason why some guys would have never have to even come across such a situation. Every girl would know one thing for sure - guys are terrible at taking hints. Of course, one must admire their resilience and optimism, despite the repeated manoeuvres to get away from them. The hope that their crush would

like their picture on Facebook, or even respond to their messages gives them a reason to unfailingly try to have a conversation longer than ten lines the next day. It all starts with a request that seems innocent, or a forward that seems harmless, but it grows faster than a tumour. Soon enough, they're sending you messages wishing you a good morning, and a good evening, and then a good night. They stalk you day and night, and are updated with every meal you have and every place you visit. The horror. 

Initially you think, it's just a boy. How much harm can a mixed up chromosome do to one? Boy, was I wrong. One can end up with hundreds of followers and stalkers because of one mix-up.  

Although it's tiresome to keep ignoring the gawking and ogling, and the stalkers constantly at work, there are certain perks to it as well. You get to read tons of hilarious one-liners, cheesy pick-up lines and what not. You will soon be well-versed with every one of their excuses to get your number and they might turn out useful in case you ever plan on using them. Strangers will ask you out to dinner, praise you in flattery and get you high on narcissism. You'll always feel like the most popular person in the world, your phone flooding with messages.  

Thankfully, Facebook was smart enough to keep a folder called "Others" ever since the rising trend of talking to strangers online started spreading. There is a tremendous need to filter out the stalkers from the acquaintances. Save the girl child indeed!

P.S. The article was purely based on a personal experience and is directed at a very small section of the male population.

The five most over rated entities around me!!

Disclaimer: The content and the choices made in the article are strictly contemplated opinions and beliefs of the author. Any damage caused to the sentiments of the readers, evoking their emotions is not entirely but slightly intentional.

When a blind sheep falls into a pit, it is believed that the other sheep behind the blind one would also fall into the same fate though they are not necessarily blind. The entire idea of overrating would aptly fit into this dumb sheep analogy.

Consider the scenario:
Person 1 watches a movie and likes it very much. He would now pass the information of his liking towards the movie to person 2!!
Person 2 to Person 3: Person 1 has watched the movie and "I heard" it is good.
Person 3 to a few more : The movie is good!!! (Sources man! Sources??? )
Person 4,5,6 to a lot more : The movie was "awesome"! (overrating-1 , reality-0)

This habit passes on and people subtly start developing positive perceptions on an entity even though they wouldn't have personally experienced it, consequently spinning a blanket of cliche over the stuff!! And that blanket is what we term "overrating"! Basically, it is like being inside a Matrix! You don't know what is real !

There are always three sides of a story. The first side,second side and the truth. Sometimes,when you get to experience the truth about these overrated, hyped entities you would be hit with waves of disappointment and doubts as they could be ugly and undeserving. In this context I would like to air the most overrated stuffs thriving around me in my environment!

5. Sachin 10dulkar:

Fans of the master blaster, bite your teeth and scroll down! Without any doubt, he is a great cricketer, professional, talented and you know the rest. But still I would say "Sachin is the hero which the India team deserves but not the one it has needed always."  To my consciousness, I have never seen him carrying the team to victory single handed in a very important "do or die" matches or at least contributing on field to his team in immense pressure situations. Being a highly respected and rated player one should at least expect that much from him . But instead, there went times when India had to play for the sole purpose of making the master bridge the history with his 100th century, which purely does not add to the image of a colossus. I do not wish to stay on this topic more as it could fetch me brickbats and flaks. But I do have many who feel the same.

4. The Shawshank Redemption and its IMDB 9.3:

Are you kidding me? What could get better than Morgan's Freeman narrating the life of an innocent trapped man sloging two complete decades in his life to escape out of his prison ? Highly emotional, interestingly narrative, terrifically realistic, yeah! Undoubtedly a great movie but not the one deserving to get a 9.3 rating in IMDB and the top most spot in its "Top 250 movies of all time" list!  I could guarantee a dozen other movies which are more qualified for that position than its current placeholder.

3. City of Bengaluru, India:

Refreshing weather, hot damn chicks (sorry damn hot chicks) and people tend to keep this outsourcing factory on the oblivion. Seriously, no one cares about the narrow roads (yes the streets and the main roads in Bangalore are more or  less of the same width) the endless pollution, people driving and turning crazy at the T-junctions which are unfortunately in a large number in Bengaluru. And, yeah, the high cost of living adds to everything. Not to forget the city's airport which is freaking 50 Kms away from the main city. What is wrong with you people??


2.Hotel Saravana Bhavan (HSB):

Those who have no idea about it,HSB is a chain of vegetarian restaurants across the globe.

The olden Madras had uber respect for the Vada-Sambar and the full course afternoon meal it offered. Things aren't the same anymore. Two things about the food seem to shoot up every time I go there, the amount of oil the food items contain and the other more obvious factor being the food prices, which keeps gnawing at me very much.

The very fact that the franchise was invincible in its quality for decades has helped them maintain the same name and fame inspite of the deteriorating taste. And it is being over rated for the very reason too.

1. Salman Khan 

100,150,200,250...
It is not an Arithmetic progression sequence with a common difference of 50 but the amount in crores that Salman Khan's recent movies bagged in the market. And when you decide to study on what factors led to such a jackpot, you will hardly find some substance. In fact all his movies have been rebuked by critics throughout. He uses some set of muscles to hit the bad asses in a scene. And uses the same set of muscles in the holy name of "dance" by the very next scene.
Step 1: Move your mouth left and right
Step 2: Try vibrating your biceps at constant beats
Step 3: Ease your hand into your pockets and try moving them

" There you go!Congratulations!! You have successfully completed the jackpot winning dance movements" !

Probably, the icon had been the only instance known for defying fundamental movienomics by showing that he could fetch more profit from a relatively bad movie than the better ones("So called") ! My heart aches and brain implodes when I get to hear the celebrated news of the net gross of his movies. I find a hard time figuring out reasons. Cause and Effect? Where did you go now??

                   
As time flies by, I keep hoping if the over rating phenomena of these entities could be wiped off. On a micro scale I do keep wondering if my taste on all these substances are just weird, and actually very different from the other folks. Conflict of opinions it is !! (NOT ON THE SALMAN KHAN PART THOUGH!)

Bollywood,Kollywood aur the swapping cliches!

It is not surprising that cinemas in India have been greatly associated with Bombay-Hollywood aka Bollywood for over a century! Without any doubt, Bollywood has supported a rich tradition of movies in India for years and has nourished all other regional film industries in the country. Yes, had there not been a Amitab Bachchan, there wouldn't have been a Rajnikanth. Great! I have mentioned those two names in an article revolving around Indian cinema. Now, I can safely move on to the subject.

 PHASE-1 OF THE SCENARIO:

Harking back to the 1960s,1970s and 1980s, Bollywood witnessed a heavily backed trend of what we call the "masala movies" (action, duets, sister sentiments, item numbers and what not!) The trend had its influence all over the country, especially on films in South India. Well, I don't want to talk about its Tollywood cousin which had perhaps digested too much of inspiration that even today its products cannot survive without ample dose of the typical Andhra masalas!

 Down south is a smaller region which still holds its commanding position in the movie business at par with the Bollywood. And yes, the Bollywood masala inspiration prevailed for many decades here too except for the respite provided from time to time by directors like Mani Ratnam with catchy movies like Nayagan, Roja, Bombay and the like. Those were times when audience sulked if they saw their heroes ending the movie in a sad note! I can't cite a better example than the amount of criticism Ajith Kumar faced for his melancholy Mugavari a decade ago. Time flew, generations and actors changed, but the cliché could never be rooted out.

Meanwhile in the north, a bunch of young talents managed to throw away the cliche weeds with interesting substitutes. Heroines catching the trains at the last minute were made as interesting as a cop shooting the bad ass(DDLJ), 3 friends hanging out were shown as lovable as an exotic duet(DIL CHAHTHA HAI) and a single  man leading a messed up team to world cup victory was as emotional as the hero's mother dying on his hands. While the Bombay talkies was clever enough to switch lanes, it was still the "same old same old" situation  in the south.

 PHASE-2 OF THE SCENARIO: 

Towards the late second half of the previous decade Kollywood did try to get off the stereotyped track. There were spoofs, portrayal of gay couples and action movies began to lose their thunder subtly. But, that did not help in attracting the public and crunching the numbers. In such a scenario, I would like to point out two movies that came out in a span of two years and reminded everyone that there still is room and respect for creativity in the soil. One was "AARANYA KAANDAM" which released two years ago. The other one was the recent show stopper "SOODHU KAVVUM". Both the projects didn't have an appealing star cast, high octane stunts or the usually copied-from-Hollywood-movie car chases! But they had some out of the box teasers, astute presentation of the story,  simple and appealing dialogues cooked in desi style.Thanks to all those non-dramatic ideas. The grand old clichéd wall of Tamil cinema could soon be diminished now, faith has thus been restored and the world has become a better place to live in!

But wait a minute, the oblivion is not that easy a destination to reach! There is a guy in Bombay in the name of Salman Khan. He simply checks in, moves some muscles, kicks some butts and then rest is history,scoring  a whopping one hundred crores on the board! "Easier done than said". Well, such a simple white formula of bagging big money has indeed eye patched the big heads from experimenting on different genres, thus posting them back into the Sholay timeline! This served a lottery to actors like Ajay Devgan and Akshay Kumar who became preoccupied easily with the movies that demanded authentic stunts rather than genuine expressions and acting. In fact the 100 crore clichés had a tremendous potential which influenced directors even like Dibaker Banerjee to append item numbers to their flicks.(Not cool bro,not cool!) Well the trend that kicked off with Dabangg doesn't promise to reach the oblivion in the near future. Increasing the concerns, Shahrukh has now come down the line with his Chennai Express which is undoubtedly going to be a typical "flipping-the-cars" Rohit Shetty movie. The budding creativity currently flowing in the Kollywood fraternity has instilled a sense of satiety but I still miss those days when SRK used to put people in trance with his guitars, Saif made one go on the floor laughing with his comical romance, and of course those days when Salman Khan had more interesting criminal cases than his movie records.

'Pop'ped Culture

It had been a long time since I'd browsed aimlessly on the internet. Since my hostel has a net connection as stable as a long distance relationship, I had been cut-off, deserted and ignorant. I realize my playlist hadn't been updated at all so I take a look at the billboard top 40. I see names I can't recognise and they sound very flashy. Icona Pop, Pink, Pitbull. Bruno Mars. They seemed out of this planet, literally. Demi Lovato. Selena Gomez. Jonas Brothers. Wait, weren't they on the Disney channel a few years ago?

Out of curiosity (which I'm incredibly grateful to be, or who knows what might have happened if I'd just mentioned their names to show off a bit) I googled them. And decided to hear a few of their songs on Youtube. And there pops up a video with around 800 million likes. Titled Baby, featuring Ludacris. And all I could think was, ridiculous! And I start playing the video and see a kid singing baby for about two minutes. I realized my mom's complaints had some truth to them. After all the old Hindi songs she'd gotten used to, that necessarily had high-pitched voices and sung nothing less a perfectly tuned raga, what she was exposed to was worse than cacophony.But what did make me feel better was that the video had 3 million dislikes.There was still hope.And then I try to move on, and take a look at Pitbull. Mind-blowing was too much of an understatement I'd say. Here are some excerpts from his famous songs.

"A billion's a new million
Voli's a new vodka
Forty is the new 30
Baby you're a rock star"

"That badonka donk is like a trunk full of bass on an old school Chevy
All I need is some vodka and some Coke
And watch get Donkey Konged"

*For those who could not understand them, I have no translation.

For those who did understand, got curious and listened to a few more of his raps, you might have spotted a trend. He mentions a few places, Cuba, Miami, New York, and mentions boozing and getting stoned, and continues blabbing in Latin. His secret to success might still remain a secret, but hey, if you ever wanted a shot at fame, you know which road to follow.

And then I see, there is one video that crossed a billion likes. But I notice a rather peculiar guy in the video - not very attractive, a pot belly for sure. Makes me more inquisitive. I listen to it, and I find out in the end that the only words I gather from the video are 'sexy lady'. Well, that's reason enough to become the most popular song, isn't it?

Nevertheless, pop has its catchy beats and must have some other reasons as to why it is popular. There are some artists who are worthy of thy name. The Beatles were popular during their time and truly do have substance. But when boy bands like One Direction stand at the same position as the legends in the billboard charts, there will be a lot of fingers raised, tomatoes and eggs thrown as well.